you have to choose: penises or morals?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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