I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
