yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize