I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize