I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
