Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
