i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
