if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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