I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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