Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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