Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
