Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
