So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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