i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
