Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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