Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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