I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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