i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
