I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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