Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
