I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
