woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Randomize