I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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