I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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