hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
