Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
