He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
