Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
