it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
