wrigley field is MILF paradise
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
