I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
