Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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