So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Randomize
