Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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