Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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