Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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