I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
