You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
It's never too late to be topless.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Randomize
