I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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