The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
