its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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