I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
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