so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
