Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
