He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Randomize