I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
