My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
His hands were made for my vagina.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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