I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
