You just made me feel so damn special
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
how drunk are you?
Several
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
