Swine flu. Run for my life!
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
