I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
