I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
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