i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
