I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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