And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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