I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
