I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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