Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
