Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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