A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
How external is "for external use only"?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
