I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
