The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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