all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
