I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
