roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
